My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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