yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
