she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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