I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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