I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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