my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
