I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
