I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
