I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
