I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
