Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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