don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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