Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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