I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
