Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
