chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
