I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm too high and old for this...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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