Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
