He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
