Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
