I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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