I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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