I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
