Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He passed out mid-signature
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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