All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
