My cat gives me a boner
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
