I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
