I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
