the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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