meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
