ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
