Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
