He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
