he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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