Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
