Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
