I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
