new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
