The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
