If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
