I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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