no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
