you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
