My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
