I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
