Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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