if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
