I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
