so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
