lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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