I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
